Without You
by blue-cornmoon
Summary: After Rachel and the New Directions learn of Finn's sudden passing, they all come together to remember him. One Shot.


**A/N**: When I heard the news about Cory, I was absolutely heartbroken. I couldn't sleep well for days and everything "Glee" related made me extremely sad. I couldn't update fic. I couldn't rewatch my favorite episodes to fact check for said fic (nor simply just for fun). I spent a significant amount of time reblogging Cory related posts on my main tumblr and eventually I began listening to Glee Cast music, which only depressed me further. The only outlet I've ever really turned to whenever I was feeling an emotion so strongly that I couldn't place it into words was writing. So that's what I did.

I wrote this story shortly after I was able to start thinking about Cory and Finn without immediately bursting into tears. I don't claim to be the best writer for Finchel fic (so please pardon any mistakes in this regard) but this was what was on my heart the past couple days. I am a huge fan of Glee and even though I have negative feelings about the show from time to time, I've** always** loved and respected the cast. I can't say that Finn was my favorite character because he wasn't really, but I've always loved Cory. Being Canadian as well, I've always felt an affinity to him and his sense of humor, his bravery and strength, his love for his fans and the people around him was just absolutely beautiful to me.

I understand that Glee will be addressing his passing in the show and I have no idea how they will do it, but what I'm hoping they do is that they go back to what Glee has always been about; the friendships and support of a glee club family. That is essentially what this fic is about. As per Ryan Murphy's words, I know that they will be taking their cues from Lea, so I'm at least hopeful that they will do him justice. In this time of sadness, please stay strong glee family.

* * *

"_I am lost, _

_I am vain, _

_I will never be the same,_

_Without you,_

_Without you,_

_Without you…"_

* * *

She got the phone call on a Friday night and her world went black. Finn had been in a car accident and it had been _fatal_.

Rachel couldn't breathe. She felt as though her lungs had collapsed and crumbled into dust. There was no air. _Where had all the air gone?_

She was _suffocating_.

Rachel didn't believe it when she heard the news. How could they expect her to? How could Finn be gone? She was speaking to him _just _the other day. She was on the phone with him telling him that she'd chosen '_Don't Stop Believin'_' as her audition piece for 'Funny Girl'. He'd chuckled in adoration when she couldn't stop talking about it. She'd shared her doubts and anxiety with him and he wouldn't stop encouraging her and telling her that he was sure that she did just fine. He told her he was proud of her and that he really _really_ missed her. He'd promised to come see her soon.

He _couldn't_ be gone. He just couldn't.

The phone had dropped from her hands almost immediately.

"No," was all she kept saying to herself. Soon every source of light had completely escaped and everything went quiet. Rachel didn't even realize that she'd fainted to the floor.

XXXX

"Rachel!"

Someone was shaking her. She thought she heard her name but she couldn't bring herself to focus on the voice.

"_Rachel!"_

There it was again, only more urgent and the shaking, more frantic. She rolled toward the person who was still screeching her name and blinked several times rubbing her eyes. Opening them she saw Kurt staring back at her with puffy red cheeks and fresh tears rolling down his eyes. To her left she noticed Santana kneeling beside him wiping her eyes frantically.

_Why is she crying?_ she thought to herself. It wasn't like Santana to cry. 'What's wrong?' she _almost_ asked, but then she remembered.

Finn.

_No._

It _hadn't_ been a dream.

Now she was the one shaking involuntarily in Kurt's arms, crying hysterically. She felt Santana wrap her arms around them both but she couldn't focus on that at all.

Everything hurt. Her throat hurt so badly but she could not stop screaming. Her head throbbed as did some choice bones in her body, presumably from the fall she'd endured earlier, but none of it compared to the searing pain in her heart. In her _spirit_. Deep within her there was an untouchable wound that she knew would never truly stop aching.

XXXX

Condolences and kind words came from everywhere. And while she appreciated them, they meant nothing.

Finn was gone.

And just like that, she was never going to see him again.

She blamed herself for breaking up with him. For pushing him away. She wished in vain, for more time. It was never supposed to end like this.

_Never._

What was she to do now?

She spent several days in the apartment unable to go to school or anywhere else for that matter.

She felt incomplete.

Rachel Berry had never lost anyone she was close to.

Not permanently anyway.

How was she ever supposed to deal with _this_?

She'd have to take a leave of absence at NYADA. She already told her parents. She wouldn't be able to finish the semester.

Not yet.

What were exams and evaluations and hopes and dreams when her first love, the love of her life, was gone?

She'd be held back for sure, but Rachel didn't care.

She spoke with very few people these days, keeping it limited to her parents and her glee family. She knew her so called friends at school were gossiping about her and it made her sick. How could she have ever abandoned Kurt for those phonies? They never truly accepted _her_; the small town girl with big dreams and an affinity for animal sweaters and penny loafers. They only did when she changed who she was to fit in. They didn't deserve her and ultimately, she knew they weren't important. In light of the recent events, she was slowly realizing what truly mattered.

The first person outside of the apartment that she reconnected with was Mercedes. While they'd had their differences in the past, Mercedes had at one point been one of her closest friends and when they weren't at odds, she was always supportive.

Kurt had made arrangements for a glee club farewell for Finn and all the old members of New Directions had agreed to fly back to Lima. They would attend the memorial that the school was holding in Finn's honor then the viewing and the burial the following day. Kurt had also gotten in contact with Sam who was still staying at the Hudmel household to make arrangements for the entire club to stay over after they'd said their goodbyes. Of course each member, all being Lima natives, would have their own homes to stay in, but Rachel thought it would be best for them to stick together. It was going to be cramped, but at least they'd be around each other like the family they always were. They'd be away from all the news reporters and sympathetic glances of people who just barely or never even knew Finn. They'd be around the only ones who would truly understand.

XXXX

Seeing Finn's still body had been strange. He didn't look like her Finn at all. The person lying in the coffin had the same lanky 6'3 frame that she remembered, but his skin was now very pale and slightly sallow and with his eyes and lips frozen shut, he didn't really resemble the giant, awkward, goofball that she once knew and loved. Not even in the slightest.

Rachel sat in the pews between Kurt and Mercedes, both of whom held her hands. All the old members of the club sat in the second row around her, Blaine between Kurt and Tina with Brittany and Santana filling in the end of the row. Quinn sat between Mercedes and Noah with Sam, Artie and Mike completing the row. The newer members of New Directions made up the row behind them along with a few familiar faces such as Matt Rutherford, Rory Flanagan and Lauren Zizes. Mr. and Mrs. Hudson-Hummel sat in front of them all along with other members of the Hudson/Hummel family. Rachel had spotted Coach Beiste, Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury earlier and to her left, she could see Becky Jackson and Coach Sylvester sitting near the front on the other side of the church. She also noticed several members of the football team and people from his college scattered within the pews. All of these people had come out to remember Finn.

He truly had been loved.

After the pastor began the ceremony and went through the funeral proceedings, he opened up the floor to anyone who wanted to say a few words.

Before she knew it, the ceremony was over.

Rachel felt sick all over again.

She'd stopped crying a day ago and ultimately just felt numb. But seeing Carole sob in Burt's arms in front of her and her fellow glee club members fight to hold it together opened back up those wounds and the tears began to flow all over again. She rested her head on Kurt's shoulder and gripped Mercedes' hand in hers while she sobbed.

She would miss him so much.

XXXX

Later in the basement of the Hudson-Hummel home, the members of New Directions sat on the floor in a large semi circle. It was reminiscent of the time Karofsky had attempted suicide, but this time felt different. They had really lost one of their own.

Much to Rachel's relief, Mercedes was unofficially running the gathering and she called upon people to share a memory or a song for Finn. Rachel glanced over at Mercedes gratefully as she sat nestled between Kurt and Quinn. The members of the club offered up various reflections of Finn that both made her smile and tear up. Sam, Blaine and Mike were currently singing Pink Floyd's _Wish You Were Here_.

Rachel wiped her eyes and smiled they finished.

Finn loved Pink Floyd.

Next, Puck, Quinn and Santana performed _Over the Rainbow_. She'd loved it when Noah performed the piece with Mr. Schue sophomore year, but now as he slowed it down and changed the arrangement, it had a much deeper meaning. Puck and Santana each gave her a hug afterwards and Quinn pecked her softly on the cheek when she reclaimed her seat beside her.

Shortly after, Kurt, Artie, Tina and Brittany moved to the center of the circle and performed _Pure_ _Imagination_.

Both pieces were Rachel's personal favorites, but her eyes filled with tears when she listened to the songs in their new context. As beautiful as they were, it hurt to listen to them. Especially when she could still hear Finn's voice singing along to Gene Wilder's classic at Jean Sylvester's funeral.

After Kurt had returned to her side, Rachel watched as Mercedes took her place in the center of the circle.

"Um, I want to sing something for Finn, a very dear friend but before that, I just wanted to say a few words," Mercedes paused for a moment to take a breath and compose herself. "Finn Hudson was not only an excellent leader, performer, friend...and brother," she said looking at Kurt, "but he was also a wonderful and gifted human being with _so_ much to offer. I wanted to sing a special song for him, for Rachel and for Kurt. May God rest Finn's soul."

Rachel watched as Mercedes began to sing _Amazing Grace_, acapella.

"_Amazing Grace,_

_How sweet the sound, _

_that saved a wretch like me..._

_I once was lost,_

_but now I'm found,_

_was blind but now I see..."_

Mercedes' powerful voice was the only sound the club members could focus on as they held onto whoever they were sitting closest to.

"_Twas grace that taught my heart to fear_

_And grace my fears relieved_

_How precious did that grace appear_

_The hour I first believed_

_When we've been there, _

_ten thousand years_

_Bright shining as the sun_

_We've no less days to sing God's praise_

_Than when we first begun"_

Her voice rippled through the deathly silent room and Rachel burst into tears. Kurt pulled her closer as Mercedes brought the piece to an end.

"_Amazing Grace,_

_How sweet the sound, _

_that saved a wretch like me..."_

"_I once was lost,_

_but now I'm found,_

_was blind but now I see"_

When she was finished, Mercedes walked over to Rachel and engulfed her in a warm hug. She held her tightly as her body shook and didn't let go.

"That was beautiful Mercedes, thank you," Rachel whispered in her ear.

"You're welcome, Rach," Mercedes responded by rubbing soft soothing circles in her back and kissing her on the cheek.

"I also want to sing something," Rachel said suddenly. "Kurt and I both do," she continued grabbing Kurt's hand.

Mercedes glanced over at Kurt. "Are you sure? You don't have to if you're not ready."

"We're ready," Rachel replied and Mercedes saw Kurt nod in response. After a beat, she nodded and let them get set up. Blaine ran to the piano in the corner and signaled to Puck to grab his guitar again.

Looking around, Rachel made eye contact with everyone in the room before offering them all a weak smile.

"I-I just wanted to thank you all for sharing such wonderful moments and songs and memories of... Finn. E-even though we've had our differences from time to time, I'm so happy that we still have each other... although I am deeply, _deeply_ saddened that it had to be under these...circumstances... I am happy that we can still come together as a family. I hope you all know that I really, really do love you with my entire heart and I'm so grateful to have such wonderful, amazing people in my life."

Reaching out for Kurt's hand, who took it and interlocked their fingers, she turned toward the group once more. "Um.. this song, that we're about to sing... it was from a favorite musical of Finn's. He didn't really enjoy musicals the way Kurt and I did but he really liked RENT, and so, I uh, _we_ just wanted to... dedicate this to him."

Blaine played a few notes as Puck began to strum the opening chords.

Rachel began to sing:

"_Without you, _

_the ground thaws, _

_the rain falls, _

_the grass grows,_

_Without you, _

_the seeds root, _

_the flowers bloom, _

_the children play..."_

Rachel watched as Santana and Brittany held each other and felt a tinge of envy fill her. That would never be her Finn ever again...

Closing her eyes to stop the tears she continued,

"_The stars gleam, _

_the poets dream, _

_the eagles fly, _

_without you._

_The earth turns, _

_the sun burns, _

_but I die, _

_w-without you..."_

Rachel began to choke up on the last words and Mercedes moved to the middle and grabbed her other hand. She quickly glanced at Rachel who squeezed her hand and nodded and Mercedes took up the next verse:

"_Without you, _

_the breeze warms, _

_the girl smiles, _

_the cloud moves._

_Without you, _

_the tides change, _

_the boys run, _

_the oceans crash."_

Rachel wiped away the fresh tears that were falling down her face and looked at the circle of her friends and then back at Mercedes. She swore she saw the girl glance at Sam and when she caught sight of Sam staring at her with a longing, her heart panged. She glanced up at Kurt who gave her a weak smile and then turned to look at Blaine sitting behind the piano. He too was staring longingly at Kurt.

'_At least they'll each have a chance to rekindle'_ she thought sadly to herself. She wiped at her eyes again and fought to regain her composure as she watched Mercedes sing.

"_The crowds roar, _

_the days soar, _

_the babies cry, _

_without you._

_The moon glows, _

_the river flows, _

_but I die, _

_without you._

Mercedes looked toward Rachel then and the tiny brunette nodded her head fervently as Mercedes pulled her into a side hug.

Taking his cue, Kurt stepped forward to sing,

"_The world revives..."_

Followed by Rachel who chimed in,

"_Colors renew..."_

Then together they sang,

"_But I know blue, _

_only blue, _

_lonely blue, _

_within me blue..."_

Rachel closed her eyes tightly again as she listened to Blaine and Puck return to the opening chord progression.

"_Without you..._

When the familiar melody returned she opened her mouth and sang,

_Without you, _

_the hand gropes, _

_the ear hears, _

_the pulse beats"_

Kurt threw his arms around Rachel's shoulders singing,

"_Without you, _

_the eyes gaze, _

_the legs... walk, _

_the lungs breathe._

_The mind churns..."_

Rachel echoed him,

"_The mind churns"_

Kurt squeezed her shoulder,

"_The heart yearns"_

Rachel faced Kurt,

"_The heart yearns"_

Together they sang in a beautiful, perfect harmony,

"_The tears dry, _

_without you..._

_Life goes on, _

_but I'm gone._

_Cause I die... _

_without you"_

Rachel:

"_Without you"_

Kurt:

"_Without you"_

Together:

"_Without you"_

"We love you, Finn," Rachel whispered, choking up.

Kurt and Rachel embraced and a teary eyed Mercedes turned toward the despondent group. Without signal, the other members rose from their seats on the floor and around the room and moved toward the threesome, wrapping their arms around the entire group in a large group hug.

Rachel closed her eyes and held on tight to the people around her. She felt so eternally grateful for her New Directions family. Although Finn was no longer with them, she swore that at that moment she could feel his presence there. She was certain that Finn was somewhere up there looking down on them, smiling, and for the first time in a long time, she felt peace.


End file.
